Dear Mr. King …

Dear Mr. King,

I hope this letters finds you well!

I am a big big fan. Maybe one of your biggest fans in the whole wide world. Actually on second thoughts I am sure there are bigger fans but I am one of the bigger ones, who is taking the time to write you this letter, buy a stamp for it, lick the icky envelope and send it to you.

I really love how you are able to capture evil be it in the shape of demons, monsters, and spirits, or mere humans. The way with which you also manage to splinter evil in the human psyche is remarkable.

I remember watching It on television. The television series gave me endless chills throughout the late 90s and mid 2000s.

Unlike many I wasn’t traumatized by scary looking clowns, however, I am writing to you to ask you to alter the object with which It lures the boy into the sewer. I am not sure but maybe it was more of a storm drain than a sewer.

Anyhow…

Why did it have to be a paper boat? Paper boats are great symbols of childish innocence.

You twisted it into an object of evil lure. I never looked at a paper boat the same. In fact every time my father made me a paper boat I run screaming.

Don’t get me started on Misery. Wooden beams and hammers were never the same after that scene with Kathy Bates and James Caan.

Going back to the boats … can you ask the producers to go back and CGI that scene. Maybe replace the paper boat with a crocodile origami maybe!

If you don’t comply I will ask my friends, who are also fans, to write a big and loud petition. As a big invested fan in your books and movies I believe I have every right to control your creative output.

P.S. I hope you understand I am not just a fan. I am “the” fan, who wants the best from you. I know deep down there is a good writer within you waiting to write more great books.

Helmut Winey Mach Fann
1996

Dear Mr. Hemingway

Dear Mr. Hemingway,

I hope this letters finds you well!

I am a big big fan. Maybe one of your biggest fans in the whole wide world.

I really love your writing style, your characterizations and short descriptive sentences. I am happy to say I was also a journalist but I did not get to participate in a devastating war like yourself and cover its brutal atrocities that are conducted under blatant meaningless nationalist heroics – thank God for that. War is stupid and so are the men who advocate it.

I really love how you write the world in which Nick Adams dwells. One day I hope to write my own book with my own character!

Anyway … I have a simple request … can you please change the ending of The Old Man And The Sea?

I felt it was rather bleak. In fact I am not the only one who feels this way. Everyone I know thinks likewise.

Why would you do such a thing to a hardworking fisherman like Santiago?

If you are not willing to change the ending I will start a petition calling for the publishers of your work to alter the ending.

I know a lot of people, like myself, who are also big big fans, and will go to extreme lengths to give good ol’ Santiago the ending he deserves.

Your one and only fan …

P.S. Apologies for the harsh final two lines but as an entitled and deserving fan I really want the best from you.

Helmut Winey Mach Fann
1955

The Photograph is from The Earl Theisen Collection
Credit: Getty Images
Copyright: 1952 Earl Theisen