The General’s Ballad: Sniff Snaff, Snuff Sniff

Posted: August 21, 2011 in beTwixt & beTween

By Mike V. Derderian

With shaky yet hesitation-free hands the ghastly figure cut through the fabric, the skin and the bone.

Snip snap! The Singer scissors that it held in its boney hand melodiously sung with an eerie rustling sound.

Snip snap. Snap snip. Snip snap. Snap snip. Snip snap.

Blood splattered everywhere and entrails flowed to the ground profusely.

What a hellish and joyous sight if you were a murderous monster.

From afar, at the corner of the Death Room the servants, minions and velvety ass-kissers observed in horror.

Snip snap. Snap snip. Snip snap. Snap snip. Snip snap.

The ghastly figure then pulled out the bloodied bones that came out with a sludgy sound. “What precision! It is like peeling meat off a roasted chicken,” one attendant whispered to another.

Passing a barbed wire through a silver needle’s eye the General’ hands moved like that of an experienced seamstress.

Hiss, hiss the needle whispered with every dive into the fleshy ocean of the meaty fabric. Hiss, hiss!

“It is done!”

Reaching down to a pile of the finest cotton, sheared from the slaughtered lambs of man, he filled out the sewn shape until it gained form.

“Ah! Truly a masterpiece in the works! Observe the latest artsy fartsy piece of my inventive hands that haven’t been ravaged by time ladies and gentlemen and monsters,” the General, holding an incomplete cloth-like doll, with elation intoned.

Bloodshot eyes bowled at the grisly doll that looked like a disfigured troll. The attendants of this demonic ritual dared not sigh at what was once a lively man, who had a family, a wife and children; lest their skins be cut, blood in a bucket be drained, bones be sawed and bodies be stuffed like plush apes with dead plastic faces.

Tear drops began to formulate around the General’s empty sockets. Not able to hold back the General, releasing an agonizing howl, finally broke down in tears.

Everyone in the room in horror recoiled; some even soiled their puffed up pants that are dropping from the weight of the gold and silver lining the insides of their greedy pockets.

How can such a ghastly figure weep you might ask?

“Sniff, snaff. Snuff Sniff. Boo hoo hoo!” Cried the General, “behold my friends how I laboriously invest my time by wasting lives as if I was squeezing juice out of a ripe lime! So easy! So easy! How can anyone say life is hard…”


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