You are Jordanian if you …

Posted: November 2, 2010 in Stand Up and La Danse Macabre...!

You are a Jordanian if you …

… have eaten Mansaf for lunch on more than one occasion….seven times a week (وبعدين منسف من عند جبري).

… cross a street filled with rushing cars instead of using a crossing bridge or tunnel. [Why did the Jordanian chicken cross the road? Because it doesn’t want to use the crossing bridge or the pedestrian’s tunnel ]

… go out with a girl you met a week ago instead of your male friends of 20 years…oops…sorry this if for the, “YOU ARE A CHEAP ASS ARAB MAN LIST … WHO WOULD SELL THE WORLD FOR A WOMAN!”

… hail a cab on Thursday believing it will stop for you.

… curse the minute you set foot in Shmesani [On a Thursday … Dream on!].

… call a girl a lettuce or a big busty camel…emphasis on Busty.

… buy Al Ghad newspaper just to read and watch Emad Hajaj’s comic.

… got tossed out of a taxi because the taxi driver refuses go to Rainbow Street [The PUSSY – No Sense of Adventure Whatsoever!].

… find 3am Ghafel painstakingly funny.

… you think that the Lebanese dude or duddette working in Amman are occupying a position you think is yours…work for it Asshole.

… are still living with your parents.

… are standing in a wedding where everyone is shooting a firearm like the Loco Mexicans in The Wild Bunch. If you are rich you can do the very same thing using annoying firecrackers and fireworks and with less casualties.

… are only from Karak, Irbid and Al Zarqa. Apparently Ammanites don’t count as Jordanians. Dang!

… think you are the most creative and clever person in the brainstorming session and that your opinion is the only one that matters. Sometimes you are!

… are underpaid.

… owned a Kia Sephia.

… had a lunch combo that consisted of Zaki Juice and Cannary Biscuits because you were short on money.

… laugh at jokes by American, French and German comedians especially with jokes that are followed with the now Lebanese trademarked expletive  ك* اختك.

… used to admire Sadam Hussein but refuse to admit that now after what happened to Iraq. [I know you had his poster on your car’s window … confess].

… are willing to give your ID for a complete stranger to vote for his parliamentary cadidate. Please stop doing that…you are hurting democracy. [Actually you are screwing it big time …].

… sell your vote for Mansaf. [Sometime you give it for free … sorry facts of the democratic life in Jordan].

…you vote for your cousin

… hate this blog post because it is too frank.

… are a disgruntled teenager who is sitting in his room bitching about Tawjihee.

… survived Tawjihee. [Russel Crowe has more chances of doing Gladiator II: The Return than passing Tawjihee].

… sitting with friends and family and all you can do is bitch about how life in Amman sucks. Just shut the f**k-up and go to Dubai…

… still call Radio Jordan 96.3 FM to answer a question – Respects to the best DJs in Town. Seriously. They rock. E7em At least they know how to pronounce Faisaly and We7dat on the air unlike one foreign DJ, who should ask how it is spelled correctly before he goes on the air ;-})

… been to Hashem and ate there … Hashem is not for pansies …

… are chatting with a girl in Amman online for seven years and still haven’t met her. What are you waiting for?

… listen to Mohammad Al Wakeel.

… pretend you like Al Wakeel so that the taxi driver wouldn’t give you a hard time. [You actually like Isam Al Omari more like I do].

… shot your wife, sister, cousin, grandmother, aunt and daughter because you got angry over some lame excuse. “I saw her standing with a male.” Best part is that you get away with it you bastard: Seven years in prison and you are out. I hope during that seven years you become someone’s bitch.

… watch Jordan Television because it has re-runs of (العيال كبرت) and (مدرسة المشاغبين) during Eid.

… have any of Me’teb Al Saqar’s or Omar Al Abdalat’s songs as a ring-tone. [Too embarrassed to admit you have Funky Town or Abba’s Dancing Queen as a ring-tone!].

… have seen Al Manahel.

… hear people telling the Awad Burned the Factory and Sold the Land to Buy a Car or a Mobile joke over and over again in social conversations yet laugh your heart out.

… think you can bed a foreign girl the moment you say, “Hi my name is Khaled and…” [actually this one applies to most Arab men].

… want to shot your sister for seeing her with a male friend.

… are walking with a girl, who is probably someone else’ sister, yet you want to shot your sister because you just saw her with another male. Double standards mother fcuker …

… drink to get drunk. P.S: The same applies to those who go back home after drinking like a fish and spend the night throwing up. Savor it you piece of shit! Savor it!

… believe the best holiday destination is Dahab, Sharm El Sheikh and yeah Aqaba.

… only go out on Thursdays. There are six days a week! Why stick to one day?

… go to Amsterdam to try magic mushrooms.

… think smoking pot and getting high is going to make you forget your grim reality. Wake up dude you are still in Amman or just got back from Europe, America, Dubai, Lebanon, Syria… or e7em … Amsterdam.

… think Amstel is the best beer. It is! Heineken my ass! [No I am not on Amstel’s payroll…not yet ;-}) ]

… know what a Fareeda Beer tastes like. Not bad but not as good as Amstel!

…came across a Petra Beer can that read … The Authentic taste of Petra. Didn’t know Petra actually tasted like beer. I always thought it tasted like dusty rose-colored stones.

… are a member of a secret society whose members like to refer to your sister’s vagina every time they see you! [Don’t ask!]

… never would contemplate visiting the opening of an art exhibition unless you were invited by a girl.

… your father tells you that he has you when you ask for a dog or a kitten. [Why should I buy you a cat or a dog when I have the three of you!]

… your mother thinks you are the most handsome and successful man in the world and tells everyone that—while you are there sitting next to her during a wedding or a funeral.  Armenian mothers do that…trust me…they do… [Honey get the magazine that our boy writes for! Love you Mom & Dad!]

… know entire episodes of Adnan wa Lina, Sasuki, Al 7oot Al Abyad, Jonkar, Calimero and Al Ragheef al Ajeeb by heart.

… played football in the streets. Wait here is the punch-line: You either used a real ball or crushed Pepsi cans.

… got beaten up by a guy called Hamodeh because his annoying kid brother told him you are not allowing him to play with you.

… you drive bad [more like an asshole who thinks he/she know how to drive].

… got your driving license through wasta. Sorry meant License to Ill and t3il other drivers and pedestrians.

… told a police officer what tribe branch you come from to get your way out of a ticket. [Saw it with my own eyes].

To be continued … or not …

(Photograph: Mike V. Derderian, Broken Street Sign, Paris Square, 2009)

Comments
  1. Haitham says:

    So; what r u saying😀
    What`s yr point🙂

    lol Mike, u r sO right.
    هذا ختم الجودة الأردني يا زلمة 😉

    H.

  2. Roula says:

    is this suppose to be funny ?!!

  3. mikevderderian says:

    Haitham :-}) always the staunch reader and supporter of my blog … Thanks mano and sorry for not being in touch

  4. mikevderderian says:

    “Is this supposed to be funny” Roula …

    Hmm …

    I don’t know you tell me …

    Is it a thinly veiled harsh critique of our society filled with F words and crude humor mixed with things that we’ve all experienced in our beloved Amman or is it unfunny?

    I know one thing that it is supposed to be: My opinion as a Jordanian …

  5. Muna says:

    If you decide to continue your list, here are a few items you missed

    You are Jordanian if:

    – You own a cafe that plays music so loud, you can’t hear your own voice. You place a multitude of TV screens in your cafe and play muted music videos that aren’t the same as the music blasting from your speakers.

    – You live in an apartment building but don’t contribute to cleaning the stairs and building entrance and think that your neighbor who does all the cleaning is ahbal (stupid), but then your maid shines your car every other day cause you care about appearances.

    – You work at Safeway in Aqaba and when the customer at the checkout smiles at you and says “Good Morning”, you give them a dirty look as if they just cussed your mother.

    – You can’t spend an hour socializing without bitching and moaning and being negative about how nothing in the country runs properly, but you don’t make any effort to make things better.

    – You speed past the car ahead of you, almost causing an accident while honking your horn like a mad person, then seconds later you stop at the traffic light.

    – You open a shawermah or falafel restaurant on a street that already has 4 such restaurant.

    – You misspell your shop’s sign in English or items on your menu: Hair “saloon” instead of “salon”; “Friendes” Laundry instead of “Friends”; “Restarant” instead of restaurant; “coktil” instead of “cocktail”; “wood pizza” instead of “wood-oven” pizza, “colored” peppers instead of “yellow” or “red” peppers. If someone who spells English better than you points out your mistake, you give them a dirty look and tell them you are aware of the “broblem”.

    And the list goes on…….

  6. haitham says:

    it`s myyyyyyyyyyyyyy pleasure miky🙂

    H.

  7. Babs says:

    Loving the humour🙂

  8. riiiiiiight says:

    god i hate this place -_-” sorry if this seems like bitching to you, it is actually, and i would happily move out to dubai, as soon as i can afford it:/

    • mikevderderian says:

      Thank you for passing by stfu …

      No worries. A good writer is a good listener ;-})

      This list is the result of me being Jordanian. It is an observational humor piece about us. We all have a place that calls us. Jordan is still calling my name so I am sort of deaf to the beckoning of other countries for now.

      Good luck …

  9. Dodger says:

    I LOVE YOU SO MUCH WHO EVER POSTED THIS cause your right

    • mikevderderian says:

      Thank you so much Edgar :-}) I am glad you found it funny! Feel free to add your “You are Jordanian if you … ” in the comment section ;-})

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