The Confessions of a Compulsive Nose Picker…

Posted: September 11, 2009 in Stand Up and La Danse Macabre...!

The Confessions of a Compulsive Nose Picker…
August, 25, 2009

Last night I was driving home from a workshop about cats. A very strange thought occurred to me as I drove through Amman’s serpentine and silent streets.

As detached ideas floated in my balding head my father’s 1980’s Opel Berlina broke the silence of the night with its murmur.

Is driving while picking one’s nose against the law?

Most Jordanian drivers don’t bother with traffic laws. Seriously how many assholes and assholets you see talking to the phone while driving? Pull over you piece of shit and then talk to the other piece of shit on the line.

I also contemplated the darker side of the art of nose picking especially with nose picking addicts like me. How far would a nose-picker go for their slimy, in some cases hard, kicks?

Nose psychologists and profilers file nose pickers under the following categories (not for the faint hearted):

1. The Occasional Nose Picker:

Has something annoying up his or her nose and must get rid of it by either using the tip of the finger or a tissue. Nothing to worry about!

2. The Confidential Nose Picker:

The confidential nose picker is someone who loves nose picking but is too ashamed to acknowledge it. He or she often head out to a private area, away from the eyes of onlookers, acquaintances and strangers, where they can indulge in their habit.

The following is the transcription of a recorded conversation with a compulsive nose picker, who talked to me in confidentiality.

Q: Why do you do it?

A: I don’t know why I do it? I just have to. Didn’t you ever want to shove that finger up your nose all the way to your brain!

Q: How and when do you sense that your nose cavity is full of the right amount of mucus?

A: I get this itching sensation. I feel my way around by carefully inserting the tip of my finger gently so as not to ruin the mucus formation. I then visualize its shape and size. I then make sure that nobody is watching me as I am feeling my way and scooping it out.

Q: Then what do you do?

A: No sooner the mucus is on my finger tip I curl it into a tiny ball before I flip it to the floor using my thumb.

Q: Do you think you will ever stop?

A: I don’t know. I am undergoing therapy.

Q: Were you ever caught nose picking and was it embarrassing?

A: This interview is over. Hey buddy I said the interview is over. Turn off that damn tape recorder. Turn it off (Interviewee viciously lungs at interviewer).

3. The Public Nose Picker:

A public nose picker has no qualms whatsoever about reaching out to his hairy nasal cavities to pick out the living daylights of his mucus in front of horrified onlookers.

4. The Perverse Nose Picker:

The severest cases of nose picking occur with such individuals, who take this addictive habit very seriously.

There are three recorded cases of severe nose picking or nose picking fetish as referred by Doctor Wally Nosehauser:

1- The sneaky nose picker:

This person would pick his or her nose in short intervals in a room full of people believing that nobody is looking. The clandestine activity heightens his or her perverse pleasure.

2- The driving nose picker:

Long drives under the moon provide the perfect atmosphere for this nose picker, who just picks and picks until he or she reach their destination. There are however daylight sighting of such bizarre individuals.

3- The bloody nose picker:

The bloody nose picker is a person who wouldn’t stop picking his or her nose even after the gushing of blood. The mucus is long can but they can’t stop. Even as the pain increases the tip of their bloodied finger wouldn’t pause scooping and scooping. They just pick, pick and pick until they are too exhausted to pick.

Nosehauser concluded his renowned report by acknowledging that no group nose picking sessions were ever recorded.

“There were rumors that Jordanian creative people would spend their afternoons picking their noses clean as they aimlessly brainstorm in unnecessary and formulaic brainstorming sessions. Alas this is all hearsay and there are no documents or proof of such shameful acts,” Nosehauser, talking to The Nosey Bugle, said.

Here is how I imagined a conversation would go with a police officer, who just caught me red handed…oops meant mucus fingered.

Officer: You realize you were picking your nose.

Me: I was driving under the speed limit.

Officer: No, I meant you were picking your nose. Papers please?

Me: What for?

Officer: Picking your nose. You were picking your nose. I saw your index finger crammed up your nasal cavity.

Me: No you didn’t. Next you’ll see that I had my thumb up the other cavity, hah?

Officer: Don’t answer back. Can’t you see I am an authoritarian figure with absolute power and you and all God’s creatures must fear and respect me!

Me: But you are 20s years old you cock sucker.

Officer: That’s it you piece of shit. You are coming with me.

Here is another scenario:

I am sitting in my car near a sidewalk before a busy roundabout.

Officer: Good morning sir. May I ask what are you doing here?

Me: Can’t you see I am picking my nose.

Officer: I actually noticed that. But why are you parked here?

Me: I had this big urge to pick my nose so I decided to park my car.

Officer: Why?

Me: Can’t you tell I don’t want to cause an accident. I am being a good citizen.

Officer: By picking your nose in public. What you are doing is disgusting sir.

Me: On the contrary I am doing you a service so that you wouldn’t have to worry about arriving to an accident scene and do a stupid Croka for two idiots, who caused a meaningless traffic jam that is doubled by idiotic onlookers, who drive slowly so as to watch what is happening on the other lane.

It is like pulling to the right in order to take a call but instead you pick your nose clean.

Officer: Don’t answer back. Can’t you see I am an authoritarian figure with absolute power and you and all God’s creatures fear me and respect me!

Me: No, I see a man like me… By the way Mr. Officer shouldn’t you be out there protecting us from stupid drivers, who talk while driving, drive like test monkeys on drugs or can’t take their eyes off the passenger sitting next to them.

Officer: That’s it asshole. You are coming with me.

The End 4 Now


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